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TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA:       Here it is.

TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS:        Maria.

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TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER:  No, that’s wrong

GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:  What are you talking about?

DONALD:     Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE:     Me!

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TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:        Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.  

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TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:      No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE :       No, sir.  It’s the same dog.

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TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:       A teacher

“It’s not a good day until you piss somebody off”

 “If it’s not skin on skin, it’s not cheating”

1.      I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.

2.      I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3.      How about never? Is never good for you?

4.      I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5.      I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6.      Who lit the wick on your tampon?

7.      I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8.      I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9.      It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

10.  Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11.  I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12.  You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13.  I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a shit.

14.  I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15.  I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16.  Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17.  The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

18.  Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19.  What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20.  I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21.  It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22.  Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23.  And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24.  Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25.  This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26.  I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27.  Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28.  If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29.  Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30.  Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31.  Oh I get it. Like humor, but different………

32.  An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33.  Can I swap this job for what’s behind door number-1?

34.  Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35.  Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36.  Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37.  How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38.  I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39.  I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being more intelligent.

40.  Wait a minute - I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

41.  Aren’t you a black hole of need.

42.  I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43.  Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44.  Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45.  If you have something to say raise your hand………then place it over your mouth.

46.  I’m too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47.  Don’t let your mind wander, it’s too small to be let out on its own.

48.  Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49.  You’re not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50.  You are as pretty as a picture, I’d really like to hang you.

51.  Don’t believe everything you think.

52.  Do you hear that? That’s the sound of no-one caring.